SEDERUNT XXV. (Major, Doctor, and Laird.) LAIRD.-I say, Doctor-noo that I've got time to spier-what cam' owre ye on the Queen's birth-day? It was a daft-like thing to be awa' on sic a special occasion! Crabtree here, and mysel', missed ye sairly! DOCTOR.-Necessity, and not my will, caused my absence. On Tuesday preceding the loyal saturnalia, I was called to visit a patient in the vicinity of Brampton, and did not get back to town till Thursday afternoon. MAJOR.-I opined that you made it a point not to stir beyond a walking distance from your "crib," (as Captain Bobadil hath it) on curative or killative missions? DOCTOR.-Very little, in the primary instance -a fit of indigestion, or something of that sort. Unfortunately, however, he fell in with one of those herb or yarb empirics who, like locusts, infest this poor credulous Canada, and put himself under his treatment. MAJOR.-Your story is told-but one catastrophe could result from such premises! DOCTOR.-Ere three weeks had elapsed, my hapless amicus was bed-ridden in good earnest, and it required all my skill to undo the mischief which the squalid disciple of Hornbook had occasioned. MAJOR.-How passing strange it is that, in this enlightened and progressive nineteenth century, men, with the slightest pretensions to rationality, should intrust themselves to vagaDOCTOR.-Such is my general rule, but every bonds whose ignorance is as obvious as their rule has its exception. LAIRD. That proposition I deny, root and branch! Wha ever heard tell, for instance, o' an exception to the rule, that a bill in Chancery is followed by a bill o' costs? assurance! LAIRD.-Ye may weel say that, Crabtree! A farmer who will not give the making o' a pair o' breeks to ony ane wha has not served a regular apprenticeship to the tailoring craft, MAJOR.-Come, come, Laird, you must not, will without scruple commit the health-I may in your senectitude, leave the chopping of pine say the very existence-o' himsel', his wife, and for the chopping of logic! Permit Sangrado, his bairns to a ne'er-do-weel, whose knowledge an' it so please you, to give his explanation. o' drugs and anatomy, such as it is, has been DOCTOR.-Indeed, there is very little explana-acquired by inspiration! tion to give. A very worthy, though soft-headed DOCTOR.-There is no great mystery in the friend of mine, residing in Chinguacousy, who matter. The quack, whatever other qualificathinks in his simplicity that my brain contains tions he lacks, generally possesses a glib and the concentrated essence of medical wisdom, voluble tongue, which constitutes his main was taken very unwell, and forthwith tele-stock-in-trade. Thus endowed, the reptile graphed for me. LAIRD.-What ailed the man? crawls into a dwelling where sickness has taken up its abode, (these vampires have a keen and The instinctive scent for suffering,) and at once undertake to effect a cure. Most probably some regular physician has been consulted, and pronounced the case to be hopeless, or one, at least, which medicine could not alleviate. anxious relatives eagerly grasp at the rotten plank thus thrown in their way, and continue grasping it till the rush of death's flood manifests its utter worthlessness! MAJOR.-One would imagine that a few such upshots would serve to open the eyes of the gullish hoi polloi. "Calces o' fossils, earths, and trees; "Forby some new, uncommon weapons, Or mite-horn shavings, filings, scrapings, Sal-alkali o' midge-tail clippings, MAJOR.-One portion of your quotation I should judge was a trifle inappropriate-I refer to the rattling over of "Latin names!" weel! DOCTOR.-Not a bit of it! The yarb man LAIRD. If the Shark didna spout Latin, he has a thousand ingenious theories at his finger rapped oot a gush o' Dutch, and sic like unknown ends to account for the miscarriage. His tongues, which answered the purpose quite as directions had not been implicitly followed, or -what is a very common get-off with such gentry-the licensed practitioner had, in the first instance, irremediably injured the patient by the administration of marcury, or some other regler medicament! DOCTOR.-And how fared it with the trustful Daidles? LAIRD.—It was a crowning mercy that I happered to ca' upon him! Though I am nae leech, I soon saw that the puir body was labouring LAIRD.-I met, no' lang ago, wi' ane o' the under pleurisy; and there was the Hippocrates veepers-as ye very properly ca' them-at the-or rather, I should say, the hypocrite-o' house o' an auld acquaintance o' mine, Duncan Brampton, drenching him wi' denty-lion tea Daidles, wha had been seduced to mak' use o' and lime-water! DOCTOR.-The murderous ruffian! his services. He had a' the external marks o' a broken-doon field-preacher-such as a roosty LAIRD. The very words I used to the scounblack coat, sairly oot at the elbows, and a neck-drel! By my certy, I kicked him oot o' the cloth aboot his craig which might hae been white door in double quick time, and sent aff an half a century ago. The creature spoke through express for a real doctor, wha arrived just in his nose, wi' a twang savouring unwholesomely season, and nae mair, to save the sick gowk's o' Dollardom, and, losh preserve us! what a life by proper remedies! spate o' meaningless, lang-nebbet words he evacuated to be sure! MAJOR.-What a crying disgrace to the authorities of "this Canada" that man-slaughtering DOCTOR. What was the name of the fellow ? brigands, like Shark, of Brampton, are perLAIRD. He ca'd himsel' Dr. Shark, o'mitted to fatten and wax plethoric upon the Brampton! blood of their fellow-creatures! Let a publican DOCTOR.-Why, that is the identical vagavend a horn to a pilgrim, without having a bond who occasioned my late inopportune license to do so, and, presto! he is pulled up, exodus from Toronto! Confound him! if he and stringently fined for the delict! On the had been caged in his proper domicile, the other hand, there are to be found in every Provincial Penitentiary, I should not have been quarter of the Province desperadoes like Doctor prevented from celebrating the nativity of Shark, murdering with impunity in the very Regina in your good company! teeth of the law! LAIRD.-Seeing that I was a stranger, Dr. DOCTOR.-Yes! and, keeping out of view the Shark did a' he could to impress me wi' a sense certain loss of human life which is thus occao' his skill, by expatiating upon a' the ills to sioned, what an injustice to men who, at much which human flesh is heir to, and his infallible expenditure of precious money, and more preremedies for the same. When he was palaver-cious time, have qualified themselves to practice ing, I couldna help thinking upon the lines o' in a legal manner! Robin Burns, referring to a similar character: "And then o' doctor's saws and whittles, Their Latin names as fast he rattles LAIRD.-Some unco liberal folk argue that "the people" should be left to judge for themselves in sic matters! But, as I say, what for is this rule no carried oot in a' things? Land surveyors and barristers canna carry on their trades withoot a leeshence, and if they ventured crimsoned their honest cheeks, he never more to do sae, would be harled owre the coals before would have babbled about a Yankee invasion ye could cry Jack Robinson! Noo, will ony ane of Canada! tell me that the measuring o' a kail-yard, or the pleading a case anent the price o' a stirk or a wheen bushels o' wheat is mair important than the life or death o' ane o' God's images-silly chips thereof! and feckless though that image be? Answer me that. MAJOR.-Your question is unanswerable. LAIRD.-Vera weel! Why, then, in the name o' common justice, is fish made o' ane and flesh o' the ither? MAJOR.-Why, indeed! LAIRD. He would just as soon hae speculated upon the possibility o' quarrying doon the rock o' Quebec, and bigging dry stane dykes wi' the DOCTOR.-How did the represented personages look? MAJOR.-"First-rate," as our unsophisticated bush-whackers would say! Nothing could be more sublime than the bearing of the Grand Turk-Britannia seemed born to command-and our friend Louis Napoleon had an DOCTOR. I have noticed, as a general rule, imperial aroma which was hugely imposing! that the patrons of quacks are clamorous advo- DOCTOR.-Was the night procession effective? cates for a Maine Liquor-law. Now, are "the LAIRD.—It was the very cream o' the conmillion" not quite as well qualified to judge for cern! I and the Major were standing at the themselves as to the quality of the beverages Parliament Buildings, and when I saw the forest which they ought to imbibe, as they are to pro- o' torches advancing, and heard the row-denounce judgment upon the capabilities of their dowing o' the drums, it reminded me for a' the medical advisers? world o' the Porteous mob coming to storm the LAIRD.-A plain man, like your humble ser- Heart o' Mid-Lothian! The effect closely rubbed vant, would think sae! shoothers wi' the shooblime! DOCTOR.-It was a pity that the pyrotechnical display proved a failure! LAIRD.-Pyro-pyrotech-I saw naething there bearing sic a heathenish, jaw-dislocating designation! MAJOR.-The root of the whole matter is, that we live in an age of rampant humbug! Every day we see Peter robbed, in order that the sum due to Paul may be liquidated! One man may abduct a horse, without any impertinent question being asked, while another will subject himself to the manipulation of Squire Ketch for merely looking at the quadruped like that? Ye should mind that everybody disna understand Welsh ! Sairly has your from over a fence! DOCTOR.-Oh, I mean the fireworks! LAIRD. What gars ye use daft-like words DOCTOR. I notice from the accounts given education, I fear, been negleckit, doctor though by the fourth estate, that her Majesty's birth-day you be! was honoured becomingly in "Muddy Little York." MAJOR. The drawback to which you refer was amply compensated by the luminous manLAIRD.-Oo, man, it was a grand and speerit-ner in which the incremation of Judge Monstirring demonstration! If ye had been wi' us delet passed off. at Mr. Wyllie's wunnock on the forenoon o' LAIRD.-Dinna mention the name o' that Wednesday, the 24th o' May, and seen the landlouper, or you will gie me a fit o' the colic! parade sailing alang wi' its flags and banners, I declare that my throat's sair yet wi' shouting and cornets and dulcimers, ye would hae and yelling at the reprobate, as the loyal flames imagined that ye were in Glasgow or Auld Reekie! consumed him to ashes! If there exists an infidel wha questions the sterling British feelMAJOR. You indeed missed a spectacle well ing o' our community, he should hae seen that worth seeing! Never did I behold a finer body sight! By my certy, the skirls o' delight which of men than that which then defiled along King greeted each squib and rocket as it exploded Street! When I gazed upon the stalwart fire in the wame o' the railing Rabshakeh, would brigades, and the national societies of the hae sent him hame a thorough convert frae his United Empire, how did I long that John heresy! Mitchel could have witnessed the most suggestive sight! If he could have gazed upon that noble turn-out of Anglo-Saxons and Celts, and marked the flush of affectionate loyalty which DOCTOR.-You are too hard upon the unfortunate law-monger of Montreal! He evidently lacks a few coppers of the shilling! LAIRD.-Mair shame to the men that suffer a daft body to squirm and clocher upon the MAJOR.-Willingly! There is not much in bench! O'd, he should be deciding pleas the following anecdote, but still sufficient to between speeders and blue-bottles in Dr. enable you to judge of the author's style. Workman's Hotel! [Reads.] MAJOR.-Tory though I be, I must say this A COOL REJOINER.-A Mr. Kelly, who was in much for the unfortunate fellow, that he has the habit of imbibing pretty freely, at a court held in one of the counties of North Alabama, made no attempt to justify his dismal backupon a case being called, in which K. found he sliding! Mondelet is evidently a flatulent could not get along for want of proof, was asked talker by nature, and consequently his silence by the court what course he would take in the under the jobations which he has been receiv-matter. ing must charitably be set down to the score of penitence! LAIRD.-Deil thank him for hauding his tongue! He has said naething, because he had naething to say! DOCTOR. JAM satis-as the urchin said, when he had finished the discussion of a pot of preserves! Let us call a new cause! "Why," said K., "if it please your honor, I believe I will take water" (a common expression, signifying that the person using it would take a nonsuit). Judge A. was on the bench, and was something of a wag in a dry way, and had his pen in his hand ready to make the entry. "Well," said the Judge, "brother K., if you do, you will astonish your stomach most mightily." LAIRD.-Lawyer Kelly puts me in mind o' MAJOR. You have sometimes observed, the drouthy Laird o' Strathbungo. When on Sangrado, that Brother Jonathan was lacking his death-bed, the Laird gave solemn directions in humour? to his son touching the most orthodox manner DOCTOR.-I confess the corn-as Jonathan of manufacturing toddy. "John," said he, aforesaid hath it. In nine cases out of ten-"dinna forget to put into the tumbler a suffiand I speak equally in reference to his literature ciency o' sugar, and plenty o' whusky; and be and his pictorial art-he mistakes exaggeration sure and dinna forget, that every drap o' water for wit. ye add to the brewing spoils the toddy!" MAJOR. The duodecimo which I hold in my hand rather contradicts your theory. DOCTOR.-Its name? MAJOR.--There is something peculiarly racy in the following description of an interview between a case-hunting, pettifogging barrister, MAJOR." The Flush Times of Alabama and and a worthy whom he wished to hook as a Mississippi." DOCTOR.-The author? MAJOR. Joseph G. Baldwin, a blackbrigadesman, hailing from Livingston, Alabama. DOCTOR.-What is the drift of the affair? client. [Reads.] JOHN STOUT, ESQ., AND MARK SULLIVAN.— Mark Sullivan was imprisoned in the Sumter county jail, having changed the venue and place of residence from Washington county, where he had committed a murder. John Stout was an MAJOR.—It consists of a series of sketches of ceptible nature when there was any likelihood of old acquaintance of Mark's, and being of a susthe Bar of the State of Alabama, and a fresher a fee, was not a man to stand on ceremony or or more appetizing volume I have not masticated the etiquette of the profession. He did not for many a long day. Mr. Baldwin (who is wait to be sent for, but usually hurried postsignally free from the detestable sin of book-consolate circumstances of the unfortunate haste to comfort his friends, when in the dismaking) presents us with a gallery of pictures, Mark. John had a great love for the profession, all of them, evidently, taken from the life. He and a remarkable perseverance under discouintroduces his reader into a newly-formed com- raging circumstances, having clung to the bar munity, and pourtrays, with a hand at once for some practices indicating a much greater after being at least twice stricken from the roll, free and cultivated, the peculiarities of men zeal for his clients than for truth, justice, or and manners therein existing. DOCTOR.-If Mr. Baldwin heard an inveterate anti-republican fossil like you speak after this fashion, he might well exclaim, "Praise from Sir Hubert Stanley!" fair dealing; but he had managed to get reinstated on promises of amendment, which were, standard of morality was not exalted, nor were we fear, much more profuse than sincere. John's his attainments in the profession great; having confined himself mostly to a class of cases and MAJOR. The praise, however, is sincere and of clients better suited to give notoriety than well-founded. enviable reputation to the practioner. He seemed to have a separate instinct, like a carLAIRD.-Afford us an opportunity o' judging rion crow's, for the filthy; and he snuffed up a for oursels! tainted atmosphere, as Swedenborg says certain spirits do, with a rare relish. But with all with me: it was done fair,-it was an old Well, on one bright May morning, Squire "Ah, Mark," said John, “I aint so certain ཟ་། |