theme, as would have suffocated the major, had not his military habits rendered him smoke-proof. "In short, gentlemen," resumed Ned, "a pipe is the solace of my life, and the mainspring of my wit: knock out my pipe and you knock out my brains. I have heard Porson say that 'when smoking went out of fashion, learning went out of school.' I verily believe that if I could not obtain the 'Furies' Frankincense,' as King Jamie profanely called the divine weed, I should be like the vicar Breedon, who, according to William Lilly, cut the bell-ropes, and smoked them." So saying, he blew another cloud, and, removing the pipe from his mouth, sang the following ditty:— "Little tube of magic power, Charmer of an idle hour, With my fingers gently braced," &c., &c. "Always merry, Ned," said Mr Seymour. "Lord bless you, Sir, what is life but a jest? I jest to live, and I live but to jest, and so I shall continue to do, until the shovel puts me to bed with my mother." "Your father was, as I have heard, a reputed jester, so that your wit came to you by inheritance." "Indeed he was, God bless his memory! and it was his constant prayer that his son Neddy might turn out as sharp a man as his father -a true 'chip of the old block;' and if there be any truth in the adage, that 'dogs bark as they are bred,' I certainly had as good a chance as most persons. Momus rocked my cradle; I ate fire before I was seven years old; and so anxiously did my father superintend my education, that he never suffered me to cut a morsel until I had cut a joke. 'Neddy,' he used to say, 'I perceive you are like my bagpipes, never audible except your pouch is full of wind; for after a good meal you are as mum as a mouse in a mill; so remember, my lad, no pun no pudding-no song no supper.' Thus schooled I became, through necessity, a wit, and earned every mouthful by a joke; in short, after a little time, my genius illumined every dish, and, like the fire of London, blazed from Pudding-lane to Pie-corner." "And you afterwards appeared on the stage as a candidate for popular applause; which, as you fortunately obtained, how came you to desert your calling?" asked the major. "He who licks honey from thorns pays too dearly for it. The scanty pence were obtained only through painful toil and abject drudgery, so I left off thrashing straw, packed up my wardrobe in a pockethandkerchief, and trudged off to Cockneyshire, where I hoped to find myself in clover." "For what object ?" inquired the major. "To enter upon the literary line, and to carry my wit to a better market and to a more discerning public; and instead of retailing it at country fairs, to offer it wholesale to some of the fraternity of publishers, from whom I shortly received several profitable orders: the sale of my poetry, moreover, soon convinced me, notwithstanding all that had been said to the contrary, that there were still some gold mines in Parnassus. I assure you I lived the first week entirely upon liquid blacking,'* and sang like a lark as the herald of Day.” Day and Martin," suggested the major. 6 I also procured a blazing fire, and an abundant supply of candles, by the publication of my popular song, 'Ah, let my muse a flame inspire.' I shall say nothing of my odes upon MOSES+ and the PROFITS; except indeed that the one recruited my wardrobe, and the other my cupboard. In short, gentlemen, without exhausting your patience with a long recital of my adventures, suffice it to say, that I have always been able to keep my pipe smoking by my puffs, my pot boiling by the ebullition of my spirits, and my grate blazing by the fire of my genius; while paste and scissors have never failed in securing a plentiful supply of cabbage, upon which I have thriven like any caterpillar." Here our Bacchanal, with an approving wink, piously inaugurated his potation by a wish that the "number of drops in his jug might be added to that of their days," in ratification of which he took a draught that Bitias, or Diotimus, § of classical memory, might well have envied. "Did I not say," resumed the wag, after a deep-drawn breath, "that my pipe was the nurse of wit? ay, verily is she-a dry-nurse. It is a strange case, gentlemen, but I am in the situation of the flying-fish, incapable of keeping myself up, unless I occasionally moisten my wings." "To be serious for a few moments, let me warn you," said Mr Seymour, "that if you persist in this dreadful habit, you will most assuredly destroy the coat of your stomach." "The coat of my stomach!" replied Ned; "if that is all, my stomach must even be contented to do what its master has so often done before it-go in its waistcoat, with the understanding that it shall have an additional glass to keep it warm." "But suppose I could prove to your satisfaction that by relinquish * For the sake of some future anti-ing celebrity with a Poet Laureate atquary, we may state that DAY and MAR- tached to their establishment. TIN were wholesale manufacturers of Virg. Æn. i. 742. "Liquid Blacking," and that the former dedicated his immense gains to the founding almshouses for the blind. † MOSES and SoN, tailors, of advertis § An Athenian, nicknamed the Funnel, on account of the draughts he swallowed. ing this evil habit, your days in the land would be lengthened,” observed Mr Seymour. "My days lengthened by withdrawing that which alone enlivens them!-ha! ha! ha!—Why, my good Sir, I do not want an oracle to tell me that a short glass will always make a long day; now, you must know that what with a shrunken purse, a lengthening score, and a forbidding tapstress, I was lately compelled to forgo the cheering cup for an entire long day, and I can promise you that I found it the longest day I had ever passed: nor was that the worst of it; for, during this day of thirst and tribulation, I actually fancied that a grim demon had seized me, and clung as obstinately to my back, as ever the Old Man of the Sea' did upon the shoulders of 'Sinbad the Sailor,' and as I had neither grape nor gourd wherewith to exorcise him, methought I might smoke him from his hold; but, alas! the more I fumed the more did he fret and gripe me, nor was I relieved till the hostess, in pure charity, administered some drops of comfort." My good fellow," said the major, "all this is very intelligible; for the want of your accustomed stimulant, you languished and fell into a fit of melancholy, just as Sinbad did from an overpowering sense of his helpless solitude." 66 Mr Seymour here remarked that the miserable feelings of the oppressed hypochondriac, and his vain struggles to overcome them, until aided by the fermented juice of the grape, were never more faithfully and vividly depicted than by the myth of "SINBAD AND THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA." * "I see, however, very plainly," continued he, "that in regard to your inveterate habit of drinking you are incorrigible, and therefore, to quit the grievances of the bottle, what say you to an agreeable and profitable engagement?" 66 Why, as to that, Sir, I have always a ready lip for a ripe cherry." -Whiff. "You must know, then, that my friend Major Snapwell proposes to give a grand rural fête to the inhabitants of Overton and its neighbourhood; and as he intends to convert his grounds into a fair upon the occasion, he is desirous of finding some person acquainted with comic entertainments, who would undertake the office of manager, to contract with the necessary performers, and superintend all the arrangements." "I am the lad for the major's silver," said the delighted wag; "for without vanity, I may say that few persons better understand the art of mixing up the motley ingredients of fun, farce, and frolic; there is, besides, that in the major's face which I would willingly call master." "And were I to judge from your frontispiece," observed the major, * This beautiful allegory of the Arab- | poetical theme for the pencil of the ian Nights would furnish a highly-accomplished artist. "I should say that every day in your calendar was a red-lettered one —the painting of that jolly red nose of yours must have cost a trifle.” "Cannot tell; it is not yet finished," retorted the humourist. Major Snapwell, with the assistance of Mr Seymour, now entered more fully into the nature and extent of the various exhibitions which he wished Hopkins to provide; but, as he was at present unable to fix the exact day for the fête, he directed him to take such steps only as might be necessary for securing the performers, and to hold himself in readiness for the occasion.” "Readiness," observed Ned, "is the labour of time; he that will have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding." "Oh, depend upon it a reasonable time will be allowed for all due preparation; and so with that understanding we now part," concluded the major. "Exactly so, most gallant Sir," responded the incorrigible wag; 66 we part, like a pair of scissors, to meet again, when you may depend upon it, I shall cut out the work according to the pattern you have given me." "Walk in-and view the wonders of my enchanted garden.”—Darwin. THE reader will remember that a promise had been given by Miss Villers to visit Osterley Park, in company with the Seymour family, in order that they might inspect and arrange the flower-garden of Major Snapwell. That promise had been redeemed; and on the morning following their arrival, the gallant host reminded Miss Villers of her engagement to offer such suggestions for the improvement of his flower-beds, as might readily occur to a person of her acknowledged taste. Nay, my dear major, rather appeal to our good friend Mr Seymour, since it is from his science alone, that you can expect any really useful hints for the more skilful disposition of your flowers," answered Miss Villers. 66 I greatly fear," said Mr Seymour, "that you are raising expectations which I shall fail to realise; I will, therefore, at once, candidly state, that I have not the least pretension to be considered as a florist, and that my only object is to explain certain elementary principles regarding the harmony of colours, which may enable you, by their judicious application, to display your flowers to the eye of taste with the greatest amount of satisfaction. You will therefore perceive that I use the garden rather as the means than the end of an instructive inquiry-but before I proceed, let me acknowledge how greatly we are indebted to the late researches of M. Chevreul,* for the knowledge I shall hope to impart." "On the Influence that two Colours | lished a more extended work, entitled, may exercise upon each other, when The Principles of Harmony, and Contrast seen simultaneously."-Physical Inves- of Colours, and their Applications to the tigations on Dyeing, by M. Chevreul. Arts: translated from the French by C. More recently the same author has pub- Martel. |