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4. At present the head can turn only part way round. It would be much more efficient if worked on a swivel, like an office-chair. Then it could be revolved rapidly. Also, it could be unscrewed and detached. The hair could then be shampooed much more easily. Also, if one had a headache, he could unscrew his head and leave it home until the headache was over. An extra head could be conveniently carried in a Gladstone-bag or a mandolin-case.

and could be used, like the door of a furnace, for the introduction of fuel. The mouth would not lose its talking function entirely. It could shout warnings to persons about to tread on one's heels.

8. When the mouth had been relegated to a lower position, the problem of talking might seem a big one. But to an efficiency engineer it is simplicity itself. By a little perseverance any man could learn to talk through his ears and his nose. Thus he could converse constantly at dinHe would not have to pause for the insertion of food. And he could talk to three persons at once, one on his right, one on his left, and the hostess.

ner.

9. The feet should be made of rubber, and the toes cast en bloc. If the feet were made of rubber, the expression a "bouncing baby" would then have a real meaning.

5. The human machine is the only machine that has to be cut open before it can be repaired. The top of the head could easily be arranged so it could be unscrewed, like the cover of a pickle-jar. Thus the brains could be dusted regularly, and old-fashioned ideas removed en masse.

6. It would be more efficient to have the chest on a hinge, so it could be swung open like the bonnet of a motor-car or the door of a refrigerator. The heart, which, of course, should be made of rubber, and the other organs, several of which, by the way, might be omitted entirely, could then be examined and repaired, just as your motor-car or your watch can be. Your physician could keep the key to your chest.

7. The mouth is too far from the stomach. Food gets all worn out traveling through the canals, tubes, etc. A better place for the mouth would be the small of the back. It would be out of the way,

10. All limbs should be detachable, so that they could be removed at night and placed on a shelf or stood up in an umbrella-stand. This would make it possi

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So Jim never said anything. But he sent his son to college.

JOHN ERSKINE.

New York, April 10.

Ode to Professor John Erskine

(In allusion to his Ode to Doctor Abraham Flexner) (From the New York "Evening Post")

JIM

IM REILLY'S son Tom did n't
know what he wanted to do.

So he took Latin and Mathematics and hoped they 'd discipline his mind. And prepare him for sharing in polite intercourse.

After three years he knew that two straight lines perpendicular to the same plane

Are parallel to each other.

And for a short time he could say what were both sine and cosecant;

But a month after the examination he

unhappily forgot which was which. He had learned a list of diminutives; only culum and bulum remained to him

So sweet was their euphony.

He knew the mute with 1 or r played a mystic rôle in the higher life, Which in moments of depression he felt he did n't grasp.

An old book by an old man for the old Tightened the reins of his youthful spirit. When he reached the two gates of

slumber at the end of Lib. VI They gave him ready exit, and he never began Lib. VII.

But he had the elements of a liberal

education, and,

Like his philistine father before him,

Whenever the conversation started he 'd say to himself:

"I'll lie low till it comes my wayThen I'll show 'em."

But they never mentioned the cæsural

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WH

HEN Tom Reilly had grown to elderly prosperity,

So that he rode down-town in his limousine at ten A.M., preceded by six inches of cigar,

He said to his son George: "George, college did worlds for me. I don't remember a darned thing I learned there, but

The fellows I played round with are
now my fellow-directors,

And my intimacy with them is profitable.
Which college do you prefer?"
And George said,

"Thank you, Father,"

And selected the college that had just made a clean sweep in major sports.

So George went.

He learned lots of things.

Although he did n't catch the sort of cul

tivation to which occasional contact with the faculty exposed him, He learned that the most important thing in life

Is that the score on November 20 should be 16-0 and not 0-16.

And the next most important thing is to get by with a C in at least three out of five courses.

He learned what loyalty to an educational institution is,

To smoke cigarettes on the bleachers and yell at last practice.

He learned that the first and great commandment is,

Thou shalt bet on thy teams and refrain from independent thinking and look with a skeptic eye on Phi Beta Kappa.

Thus did college instil in George a sense of proportion,

A sense of permanent values.
So he went out into the world,

And he said, "I'll lie low till it comes

my way, Then I'll show 'em."

And it came his way.

He could talk sports and stocks and drinks and motor-cars with the best of the brokers,

And he got promoted in the bank because he had belonged to Beta Veta Delta and played left tackle. To-day he has three limousines to his father's one,

And a town house

And a yacht

And a place at Tuxedo

And a camp in the Adirondacks with twenty guest-rooms and thirty baths. And when the application blanks for the boat-race come around

He puts fifty dollars on the crew,
And with the words,

"It is n't the studies that count in college, It's the college life,"

He thanks his father's memory for his education.

THE DE VINNE PRESS, NEW YORK

F. L. A.

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