Page images

He waited full two minutes-no one camejs quitat] He waited full two minutes more

and then, A

Says Toby, "If he's deaf, I'm not to blame;
Ill pull it for the gentleman again."

But the first peal woke Isaac, in a fright,
Who, quick as lightning, popping up his head,
Sat on his head's antipodes, in bed,
Pale as a parsnip,-bolt upright..

At length, he wisely to himself doth say,—
Calming his fears,-

"Tush! 'tis some fool has rung and run away ;”
When peal the second rattled in his ears!

Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor,

[ocr errors]

And trembling at each breath of air that stirr'd, He grop'd down stairs, and open'd the street door, While Toby was performing peal the third.

Isaac eyed Toby fearfully askant,—

And saw he was a strapper-stout and tall;
Then put this question;



Pray, Sir, what d'ye

Says Toby," I want nothing, Sir, at all."

"Want nothing!-Sir, you've pull'd my bell, I vow, As if you'd jerk it off the wire."

Quoth Toby,-gravely making him a bow,— "I pull'd it, Sir, at your desire."

“At mine!”—“Yes, your's; I hope I've done it well High time for bed, Sir; I was hastening to it;

But if you write up-Please to ring the bell,
Common politeness makes me stop and do it."

[ocr errors]

The Newcastle Apothecary

A MAN in many a country town we know,
Professing openly with death to wrestle :


Entering the field against the grimly foe,
Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle.

[ocr errors]

Yet some affirm, no enemies they are,
But meet just like prize-fighters in a fair:
Who first shake hands before they box,
Then give each other plaguy knocks,
With all the love and kindness of a brother.
So, many a suffering patient saith,—
Though the apothecary fights with death,
Still they're sworn friends to one another.

A member of this Esculapian line,
Liv'd at Newcastle-upon-Tyne;
No man could better gild a pill;

Or make a bill;

Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister;
Or draw a tooth out of your head;
Or chatter scandal by your bed;

Or give a glister.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors][ocr errors]

Of occupations these were quantum suff:
Yet still he thought the list not long enough:
And therefore midwifery he choose to pin to't. :
This balanc'd things, for if he hurl'd

A few score mortals from the world,

He made amends by bringing others into't.

His fame full six miles round the country ran,
In short, in reputation he was solus!

All the old women call'd him "a fine man!"
His name was Bolus.

Benjamin Bolus, though in trade,

-Which often times will genius fetter,

Read works of fancy, it is said;

And cultivated the Belles Lettres.

And why should this be thought so odd?
Can't men have taste that cure a phthisic?

Of poetry, though patron god,

Apollo patronises physic.

Bolus lov'd verse ;—and took so much delight in't, i That his prescriptions, he resolv'd to write in't, ti af No opportunity he e'er let pass

Of writing the directions on his labels,
In dapper couplets-like Gay's Fables,
Or rather like the lines in Hudibras.

Apothecary's verse!-and where's the treason?
"Tis simple honest dealing;-not a crime;
When patients swallow physic without reason,
It is but fair to give a little rhyme.

He had a patient lying at death's door,
Some three miles from the town-it might be four;
To whom one evening Bolus sent an article-
In pharmacy, that's call'd cathartical,

And on the label of the stuff,

He wrote a verse;

Which one should think was clear enough,

And terse.

"When taken

To be well shaken.”

Next morning early, Bolus rose ;
And to the patient's house he goes!
Upon his pad,
Who a vile trick of stumbling had :
It was indeed a very sorry hack;
But that's of course:

[ocr errors]

For what's expected from a horse,
With an apothecary on his back?

Bolus arriv'd, and gave a double tap,
Between a single and a double rap-
Knocks of this kind

Are given by gentlemen who teach to dance,
By fiddlers, and by opera singers:

One loud, and then a little one behind,


[ocr errors]

As if the knocker fell, by chance, yod for ob ss II Out of their fingers

The servant lets him in with dismal face,

[ocr errors]

Portending some disaster outf

Long as a courtier's out of place

[ocr errors]

John's countenance as rueful look'd and grimy antol As if the Apothecary had physick'd him,

And not his master.

"Well, how's the patient?" Bolus said,

John shook his head. ONE


"Indeed ?-hum-ha!that's very odd, He took the draught?"—John gave a nod! "Well-how ?-What then?-Speak out you dunce." Why then," says John, we shook him once."

[ocr errors]

"Shook him!-how ?" Bolus stammer'd out:

[ocr errors]

"We jolted him about."

"What! shake a patient, man—a shake wont do." No, Sir and so we gave him two." "Two shakes!—you horse!

'Twould make the patient worse.".

"It did so, Sir-and so a third we tried."

[ocr errors]

Well, and what then ?"-" Then, Sir, my masterdied!"


Pity for Poor Africans.

I own I am shocked at the purchase of slaves, And fear those who buy them and sell them are knaves;

What I hear of their hardships, their tortures, and
Is almost enough to draw pity from stones. [groans,

I pity them greatly, but I must be mum,
For how could we do without sugar and rum?
Especially sugar, so needful we see-

What! give up our desserts, our coffee, and tea!

Besides, if we do, the French, Dutch, and Danes,
Will heartily thank us, no doubt, for our pains;
If we do not buy the poor creatures, they will,
And tortures and groans will be multiplied still.
If foreigners likewise would give up the trade,
Much more in behalf of your wish might be said;

But, while they get riches by purchasing blacks,
Pray tell me why we may not also go snacks?

Your scruples and arguments bring to my mind E
A story so pat, you may think it is coined,
On purpose to answer you, out of my minte
But I can assure you I saw it in print.

A youngster at school more sedate than the rest,
Had once his integrity put to the test;
His comrades had plotted an orchard to rob,
And asked him to go and assist in the job.

[ocr errors]

He was shocked, Sir, like you, and answered-"Oh



What! rob our good neighbour! I pray you don't go;
Besides the man's poor, his orchard's his bread,
Then think of his children, for they must be fed.”


"You speak very fine, and you look very grave,
But apples we want, and apples we'll have;

If you
will go with us, you shall have a share,
If not, you shall have neither apple nor pear.'

They spoke, and Tom pondered-"I see they will
Poor man! What a pity to injure him so!


Poor man! I would save him his fruit if I could,
But staying behind will do him no good.

"If the matter depended alone upon me,

His apples might hang till they dropped from the tree;
But, since they will take them, I think I'll go too,
He will lose none by me, though I get a few.”
His scruples thus silenced, Tom felt more at ease,
And went with his comrades the apples to seize ;
He blamed and protested, but joined in the plan:
He shared in the plunder, but pitied the man.


« PreviousContinue »