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THE

SCHOOL FOR GUARDIANS.

ACTI. SCENE I.

Enter Sir THEODORE and BRUMPTON.
Sir Theodore.

BUT I won't be told; I won't reason about it; I won't be answer'd; I won't hear a word.

Brump. I have done, Sir:-you have proved it to demonstration, by the same sort of logic that was used by one of the wits of Charles the Ild's time to his dog, when he was too lazy to beat him---" I wish you well married, and settled in the country."

Sir Theo. There again now! don't enrageme; I have some whimsical humours about me, that let me tell you, Sir-and I can be very peremptory, if I please.What! when my neighbour Strickland and I have agreed the matter! A young lady, with a fair fortune in hand, and seven hundred a year in expectancy-as pretty a reversion as any in Hampshire!-and am İ now to be told, "She does not suit my taste-she is not handsome?" And so I am to be wasting my breath with you, about a complexion, a nose, and a lip!

Brump. If you would but leave those matters to me, Sir

Sir Theo. But I tell you no; I won't leave those matters to you Beaitty is the last thing I desire to see in my family. Your mother, peace be to her! was as ugly a woman as you shall see in a summer's day : and what do you think I married her for?-For your good, Sir-for the good of my children.

Brump. And pray, Sir, which of ye does this sidebox face of mine take after?

Sir Theo. You shall take nothing after me, that you may depend upon, unless you prove obedient to my will and pleasure. I'll not leave you a foot of land. Brump. I hope you'll live to enjoy it yourself, Sir Sir Theo. I'll give my fortune to found a new col. lege, where it is not wanted

Brump. I hope you'll live to enjoy it yourself, Sir. Sir Theo. I'll cut you off with a shilling to buy you an halter.

Brump. I hope you'll live to enjoy it yourself, Sir. Sir Theo. I hope I shall, though you say it with a sort of a dry look between jest and earnest. But don't talk to me of beauty again; I never knew any good come of it: beauty is like fine fruit, only fit to draw a parcel of flies about it.

Brump. And so I must set my teeth on edge with crab-tree apples-But where would be the harm, Sir, if, purely for the good of my family, I were to marry a lady of some share of beauty, only just to cross the strain a little, and settle a shape and a feature upon the issue of our marriage?

Sir Theo. Settle your wife's fortune upon 'em Look ye, Sir; my purse strings will never open ; not a shilling of my money shall you touch, till you pay your respects to Miss Strickland. Now you know my resolution. What a graceless look there is!-ruin yourself if you will follow your own courses, Sir.

[Exit.

Brump. Your most obedient very humble servant, Sir-you may depend that I shall chuse for myself. -Brisk! why don't you answer, sirrah! Why, Brisk!

Enter BRISK.

Brump. We have been pretty handsomely lectured here this morning, Brisk!

Brisk. Yes, Sir, we have had wherewithal to edify by. I suppose, we shall lie at Tom Tilbury's, at Bagshot, to-night, Sir

Brump. Where?

Brisk. Tom Tilbury's, Sir-only just to break the neck of our journey, for I suppose, now, you'll drop all thoughts of this other lady-I forget her name Ay, Miss Mary Ann Richley-she has no chance now, I reckon, Sir

Brump. Why, you senseless numskull!as sure as I am Charles Brumpton, Esq. she shall be Mrs. Brumpton; and upon the death of my very good father, she'll be a baronet's lady, that's all.

Brisk. And yet there is some truth in what Sir Theodore says: beauty is but a frail perishable sort of a commodity; and if you are disinherited for it, the lady's charms will not pay your poor servant, Brisk, his board wages. A feature, or a smile, can't go to market: a pawnbroker will lend nothing upon the tip of an ear: though indeed she may mortgage her person; but that, I take it, will be for her own advantage: we shall get nothing but a comely pair of horns by it, Sir, with submission.

Brump. Why you talk a frothy kind of nothing at a tolerable rate, Brisk.

Brisk. I have shewn you one side of the medal, now behold the reverse, Sir. When you marry an ugly woman, there is no great pleasure in beholding her; and to be sure, when you look at her, you'll be apt to murmur to yourself for all purposes of joy one may cut as desirable an object out of an old tapestry hang ing: but then the woman has some valuable parchments, such as leases, bonds, and mortgages: and I, Sir, shall live in tolerable plight with you, which, to so good a master

Brump. Leave prating, sirrah, and do as I ordered you. Put on your farmer's dress; go directly to the object 1 adore; let her know you are come from her guardian in the country, and have his orders to take her home under your care; convey her safe to my arms, and I shall reward you.

Brisk. But, Sir

Brump. No arguing with me: about it, straight. Brisk. You know how many blanketings and blows I have suffered in your service, Sir

Brump. Sirrah, no words! Go and see who's at the door.

Brisk. You have marred many an excellent plot of mine, Sir. You know you cannot help meddling, when I undertake a scheme. If you'll promise me, Sir, not to

Brump. Will you see who's at the door?

Brisk. I am gone, Sir.

[Exit.

Brump. Ha! ha!-I shall most certainly carry her off. How Sir Theodore will be astonished, when he finds she is an heiress. Ha! ha! it is the pleasantest adventure

Enter BELFORD.

Bel. Brumpton, good morrow!-always in spirits, I

see.

Brump. My dear Belford, nothing depresses my spirits-though you thought they were too high last night, and were for letting me a little blood. Death man! you make nothing of displaying an ell of swordblade in defence of your mistress's top-knot.

Bel. Why you know I love too tenderly to bear the test of raillery: it is the infirmity of my temper; why would you put me to it

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