Bad for the Cow. "Ses I, "Kernel, this government ain't out of order, as Seward and Chase kontend. In the following little story, which is They are only tryin to run it the rong way certainly unique in its way, it will not -that's what makes all the trubbil. I require a great stretch of imagination to consider the Federal Government as representing the locomotive, and the seceding States the cow: When George Stephenson, the celebrated Scotch engineer, had completed his model of a locomotive, he presented him once had a thrashin' machine, an I sold it to old Jim Dumbutter, an arter he got it he sed it warn't good for nothin-that it wouldn't run, &c. So I went over to see it, an I vow ef he didn't hev the machine all rong eend foremist. I went to work at it, an, arter a little wile, it went off like self before the British parliament, and grease, jest as slick as a whistle. You asked the attention and support of that see, old Dumbutter didn't understand the body. The grave M. P.'s, looking sneermachine, an, tharfore, he couldn't make it go. ingly at the great mechanic's invention, Now," ses I," Kernel, our Constitushin is asked,— a Dimmycratic machine, and its got to be run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it won't run at all! Now, you see, Seward is tryin to run it on his 'higher law' principle, but it "So you have made a carriage to run only by steam, have you?" "Yes, my lords." "And you expect your carriage to run warn't made for that, an the consekence is, on parallel rails, so that it can't go off, do the thing is pretty nigh smashed up." you ?" "Yes, my lords." "Well now, Mr. Stephenson, let us show you how absurd your claim is. Suppose when your carriage is running upon these rails at the rate of twenty or thirty miles per hour, if you're extravagant enough to even suppose such a thing is possible, a cow should get in its way. You can't turn out for her-what then?" "Then 'twill be bad for the cow, my lords!" Advised to Stick to his Business. "Wal," ses Linkin, "things do look kinder dark. I don't know whar we will cum out, but I guess I'll issoo a proclamashin for the ministers to pray for us. Perhaps they will do sum good." Ses I, "Kernel, that reminds me of old Elder Doolittle, who cum along the road one day rite whar old Sol Hopkins, a very wicked old sinner, was hoein corn. The season was late, and the corn was mity slim. Ses the Elder: 'Mister Hopkins, your corn is not very forrard this year.' No, its monstrous poor,' ses Hopkins, 'an I I shan't have half a crop.' guess "Wal,' ses the Elder, 'Mister Hopkins, you ought to pray to the Lord for good crops, perhaps he will hear you.' 'Wal, perhaps he will, and perhaps he won't,' ses old Sol, 'but I'll be darned ef I don't believe that this corn needs manure a tarnel sight more than it does prayin for.' Now," ses I, 'Linkin, I think this country is something ern farmer, who sought the President day like old Hopkinses corn. It needs statesmanship good deal more than prayin for." Linkin didn't seem to like that observation of mine much, for he turned the subjeck, an he ain't axed me what it was best to do with the nigger sence. 66 If, through a multitude of counsellors there is safety, President Lincoln may be said never to have run any great risk of not carrying the ship of state securely. through all its perils. Their number in his case was always legion. Among these, in the early part of the war, was a West after day, until at last he procured the much desired special audience. Like many other visitors at the executive mansion, he, too, had a plan for the successful prosecution of the war, to which Mr. Lincoln listined as patiently as he could. When he was through, he asked the opinion of the North and South shall be so united that President upon his plan. the North may be able to pay them without confusion. "An election for a new President shall "Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "I'll answer by telling you a story. You have heard of Mr Blank, of Chicago? He was an at once be held, everybody voting save immense loafer in his way-in fact, never those who have shown animosity to the sunny South. France shall be driven out of Mexico by the consolidated armies, the expense being so managed that the North may pay it without further trouble. Upon did anything in his life. One day he got crazy over a great rise in the price of wheat, upon which many speculators gained large fortunes. Blank started off one morning to one of the most successful of these terms the Confederacy will become the speculators, and with much enthusiasm a peaceful fellow man." laid before him a plan by which he, the Burlesque on Peace Propositions. Concerning a certain peace proposition then on the tapis at Washington, Mr. Kerr -his prenomen Orpheus C.,-thus discourseth : The Confederacy hastily put on a pair of white cotton gloves, and says he : "Am I addressing the Democratic Organization?" "You address the large Kentucky branch," says the Conservative chap, pulling out his ruffles. Fernando Wood "Hem!" says the Kentucky chap. "What you ask is perfectly reasonable, I will consider the matter after the manner of a dispassionate democrat, and return you my answer in a few days." Here I hastily stepped up, and says I, "But are you not going to consult the President at all about it, my Jupiter Tonans?" "The President? the President?" says the Conservative Kentucky chap, with a vague look-"Hem!" says he, "I really forgot all about the President." "Then," says the Confederacy, "I am "The democratic organization," (adds prepared to make an indirect proposition Kerr, with said prenomen,) "my boy, in for peace. My name is Mr. Lamb, by its zeal to benefit its distracted country, is which title the democratic organization has occasionally like that eminent fire company always known the injured Confederacy, and in the Sixth Ward, which nobly usurped I propose the following terms: Hostilities with its hose the terrible business of putshall at once cease, and the two armies be ting out a large conflagration, and never consolidated under the title of the Confed- remembered until its beautiful machine erate State forces. The war debts of the was all in position, that another company of fellow firemen had exclusive possession of all the water works." The same sparkling and trenchant pen would find some other peace propositions, emanating from organizations not exactly Democratic or Conservative, first rate material for his side-shaking irony and wit; or, should he lack the necessary material, Mr. Fernando Wood, the "Apostle of Peace," might be able to supply the deficiency. "Vallandigham is the traitor north of Mason and Dixon's line, and I wouldn't help elect him dog pelter!" "But stop, man, this gentleman with me is Mr. V." "I don't care who he is; I am a Jackson Democrat, not a Vallandighamcrat." The worthy pair now drove on, not particularly elated or refreshed in their political feelings by the conversation they themselves had provoked. Ohio Toll-gate Keeper's Talk with Vallan- Gov. Andy Johnson's Supplement to one of digham. Lorenzo Dow's Stories. our Governor Andy Johnson-now President, at one of the Loyal League meetings in New York, hit the secession As Messrs. Vallandigham and Pendleton, the Pro-Southern or Anti-War members of Congress, from Ohio, were going in a carriage, in the spring of 1863, from sympathizers with the following story. Batavia, to fill an appointment at some place in Brown County, they drew up at a toll-gate. Vallandigham. Mr. Pendleton, with that amiable familiarity characterizing his intercourse with the poor and lowly voters, asked the venerable gate-keeper how he stood on politics, and was answered: "I am a Democrat; have voted the ticket all my life, and expect to as long as I live." "That's right, my good man! I am glad to find you all right on politics; now, as an old Democrat, what do you think of the Hon. Mr. Vallandigham for our next Governor?-Vallandigham for our next Governor, eh?" Great complaint, (said the Governor) has been made about the suspension of the writ of habeas corpus. Is there any man who has no treason lurking in his bosom that is apprehensive of an arrest? Why are certain persons so nervous in this regard? Because treason is lurking in their bosoms! Lorenzo Dow, when he was on his way, upon one occasion, to attend an appointment, met a man who complained that his axe had been stolen. "I will settle that matter for you," said Dow. Before reaching the meeting house he picked up a large stone, weighing about a pound and a half. After he had concluded his sermon in his peculiar way, looking over the audience, turning the stone over in his hand, he said: "I have been informed by one of your neighbors that he had his axe stolen last night, and I intend with this stone to knock the man down who did it." Poising the stone in his hand, as if about to throw it, there was one man who immediately dodged behind his seat, and Dow pointed him out to the audience as the thief. And so I say (continued Gov. Johnson,) if you want to find out traitors, just look around and shake the suspended writ of habeas corpus at them, and you happened to form the acquaintance of will see them dodge, shrink and complain. James B. Clay, of Kentucky, William A. Seddon, of Virginia (afterwards the ConNapoleon on French Youngsters in the Fed- federate Secretary of War), Governor eral Army. Morehead, of Kentucky, (who became a Archbishop Hughes, on his way to Rome, fugitive from the flag that had always prohad an interview with the Emperor Napo- tected him,) and others of a similar politleon. After a few commonplaces on the ical stripe. His seat was near those genhorrors of civil war, pronounced in the tlemen. One day, while sitting with them, slow and monotonous tone of voice pe- a servant from Willard's Hotel entered culiar to him, Louis Napoleon abruptly and handed a card to Mr. Seddon, who sat altered his manner. His glassy counte- near Mr. Chittenden. He did not know nance lit up, his voice rose, and he pro- what was on the card, but it was passed ceeded with marked accentuation: "But around from one to the other in such a who then advised your President, Mr. manner that he could not help but see Lincoln. What induced him to receive what was written upon it. On the card those two youngsters (ces deuz jeunes hom- was written these words: Lincoln is in mes-king Louis Philippe's sons,) into his Washington! He never saw such conarmy? He might have perceived that it fusion made by a small piece of card beis not to his credit to encourage preten- fore. They looked at each other with sions like theirs by giving them an oppor- amazement. At last, Waldo P. Johnson, tunity of getting themselves talked of. afterwards a Senator from Missouri, who The cause of the Orleans is not a cause could control himself no longer, exclaimed which can be avowed. I found the throne with vehemence and chagrin, "How the I took it. But they! they stole devil did he get through Baltimore?" the crown of their relative!” vacant. That Card from Willard's Hotel. An anecdote was told at an out door political meeting, in Washington, one night, by the Hon. Mr. Chittenden, of Vermont, the well known Register of the United States Treasury. It shows what was going on among certain high political characters, to prevent the will of the people from being executed in the inauguration of Mr. Lincoln and to overthrow and usurp the constitutional Government. It was a part of the secession plot that the bludgeon-mongers of Baltimore should see to it that Mr. Lincoln did not pass through that city alive, on his way to assume the charge of the Government-a graphic account of which will be found on another page of this volume. Secret of the Unanimous Vote in the Senate. The passage of a bill by Congress enlarging the power of the President of the United States in order for him to more effectually meet the necessities, civil and Mr. Chittenden remarked that he would military, of the country, was in the highest state one fact in connection with his expe- degree expedient. But how the bill ever rience in Washington, which he believed passed the Senate by an unanimous vote, had never yet been made public: His while it received so bitter an opposition in first visit to the national capital was per- the House, was a point which partook haps an unfortunate one. He was a del- largely of the mysterious, in the view of egate from the State of Vermont to the outsiders. A Democratic Senator, howpeace convention, or conference, which ever,-one of those who took their novimet in that city, in the month of Febru- tiate for senatorial honors in the cells of ary, 1861, upon the invitation of the Gov- Fort Lafayette-(Wall, of New Jersey,)— ernor of Virginia. In that convention he gave a solution of the mystery, one day, and so terse and true as to deserve repetition. | companied by a friend. They took their "Four of our men❞—and he named them, seats in the circle about eight o'clock, but but of course one couldn't be guilty of the President was called away shortly such disrespect to American Senators as after the manifestations commenced, and to print them—" four of our men were so the spirits which had apparently assembled drunk they couldn't leave their rooms; to convince him of their power, gave visand the others, not knowing how drunk ible tokens of their displeasure at the these men were, had gone off to Count President's absence, by pinching Mr. StanMercier's party." That is the whole story, ton's ears and twitching Mr. Welles's --and a similar tale might be told in con- beard. He soon returned, but it was some nection with many other Congressional time before harmony was restored, for the bills and measures. It is hardly neces- mishaps to the secretaries caused such sary to add, that more than one section bursts of laughter that the influence was was represented in the drunken quartette very unpropitious. For some half-hour in question. the demonstrations were of a physical character-tables were moved, and the picture of Henry Clay, which hangs on the wall, was swayed more than a foot, and two candelebras, presented by the Dey of Algiers to President Adams, were twice raised nearly to the ceiling. Price of Chivalry in Hard Cash. When the Federal troops occupied Winchester, Virginia, a young lady was seen ripping up a Union flag, to turn into a "Secesh streamer." An officer made her give it up. It was repaired and raised over It was nearly nine o'clock before Shocthe sidewalk of the surgeon's house, where kle was fully under spiritual influence, and it was a great trouble to the Winchester so powerful were the subsequent manifestladies, who crossed the street rather than ations, that twice during the evening rewalk under it. One day the Maine Tenth storatives were applied, for he was much seeing one of them coming down the pave- weakened. The following account of what ment, placed a bright silver Union "quar- took place is believed to be as correct as ter" directly under the flag. Miss Secesh possible. came up and stepped off the curb as usual to go round the "dirty rag," but on seeing the piece of money she retraced her steps, and while she was stooping to pick it up she was greeted by a tremendous shout of laughter. So the price of chivalry was found to be not more than twenty-five cents-certain! Loud rappings, about nine o'clock, were heard directly beneath the President's feet, and Mr. Shockle stated that an Indian desired to communicate. "Well, Sir," said the President, "I should be happy to hear what his Indian majesty has to say. We have recently had a visitation from our red brethren, and it was the only delegation, black, white, or "Spiritual" Revelations on the Conduct of blue, which did not volunteer some advice about the conduct of the war." the War. President Lincoln was induced by some of his friends to hold a "spiritual soiree," one evening, in the crimson room in the White House, to test the alleged wonderful supernatural powers of Mr. Charles E. Shockle. The party consisted of the President, Mrs. Lincoln, Secretaries Welles and Stanton, Mr. D. of New York, Mr. F. of Philadelphia, and Mr. Shockle, ac The medium then called for pencil and paper, and they were laid upon the table in sight of all. A handkerchief was then taken from Mr. Stanton, and the materials were carefully concealed from sight. In a short time, knocks were heard and the paper was uncovered. To the surprise of all present it read as follows: "Haste makes waste, but delays cause |