A HORSE-RACING HOAX.

market," and so forth. But, as Puff answers in the Critic, when they ask him if they have not heard that line before, "All that can be said is, that two people hit on the same thought, that's all." The suppressed passage, as it proceeds, grows yet more monstrous, until we come to this:

"I explained to his honour, as well as I was able, our method of wagering on horse-races. My neighbour, said I, I will suppose, is of opinion that a certain Houyhnhnm is swifter than any of those opposed to him, while I know that by reason of some infirmity or other cause he cannot win. I therefore entice my neighbour into a bargain, whereby it is agreed between us that if this Houyhnhnm succeeds I give my cow to my neighbour, but if he fails my neighbour shall give his cow to me. This kind of compact, which is called a bet, is made with complete confidence on both sides, he believing me to be a fool, and I knowing him to be ignorant. There was a tribe of Yahoos among us, I said, whose sole occupation was making bargains of this kind. And being no stranger to their arts, having been many times at Newmarket in my youth, I gave him a full description of the method of giving and taking odds, handicapping, scratching, and also of hocussing, pulling, bishoping, bribing, and other contrivances, everyone of which terms I was at much pains to make him understand.”

Swift died in 1745, and we can only repeat there was no tribe of Yahoos in his time, "whose sole occupation was making bargains of this kind." The genus Leg is of much later creation; while as to handicapping, scratching, and pulling, although Gulliver might have been to Newmarket, he never heard such terms as these made use of. There were no handicaps up to 1745, but gentlemen made matches one against the other, or at the utmost ran their horses for sweepstakes. As for "scratching," the phrase is not twenty years old, as we ourselves can well remember when the most slangy of turfites never did more than "strike his horse out."

The hoax, we repeat, is "well intended;" and, had the author been as well up in the history of racing as in the history of Swift, it might really have told, though, as it is, the concluding paragraph falls dead as

a stone:

"Here, unfortunately, the paper ends, and we are left in the dark as to the precise nature of his honour's' views. But, fragment as it is, this little scrap of Swift's writing, so curiously preserved to our day, cannot fail to have a deep interest for the student of English literature.'

When Chatterton penned his forgeries he adapted them to "the form and pressure" of the times he simulated; whereas the Pall Mall makes Gulliver run raving mad in his flash talk about book-making, scratching, pulling, and the "hundreds of thousands that waited upon the Houyhnhnms when they ran." Only fancy hundreds of thousands going to see a race in the days of Dean Swift -The Field.

[Nevertheless, The London Review fairly gorged the bait, and spoke of "the fragment" as "the most important of the papers just discovered "-"having all the character of Swift's genius tainly in Swift's keenest and most masterly style”—and so forth!]

«cer

THE BARON DE BONCHOSE DURING THE FROST.

The attractions on the ice partake somewhat of the nature of a cattle show, inasmuch as they bring together friends and acquaintances, which ordinary amusements fail to do. They are the annuals of "how-do-yedo" life-consequently we meet unexpectedly with the strangest rencontres. Imagine my surprise, on a visit to the Long Water, one bright afternoon during the late skating season, at perceiving the graceful figure of the little Baron de Bonchose gliding on the "outside edge -now skimming like a winged Mercury, now cutting in elegant ease the most approved new pas de glace, then poised in imitative attitude of the Gladiator Borghese. To address a man under such circumstances requires rather good generalship. The most effective method is to get in his way, watch your opportunity, and stop him point-blank; which, timing myself, I succeeded in doing, just as he was on the point of perpetrating some spirited evolution.

"Ah! diable de mal-adroit!" he growled; "" you." In a moment we were hand-in-hand.

'get out of ze way,

"You will dine with me at the Club to-night, then, Baron?" "Wiz pleasair ;" and away he flew to show off, full of that excitement and glow which, next to hunting, this delightful exercise creates in us. "And now, my dear Baron," said I, as dinner was removed, and we prepared for our Burgundy; we can have a quiet tète-à-téte, for there is no amusement in London worth facing the cold and snow for."

"Ah! dat is true; and dough dey say dey are fine tings for ze country (vhich may be all vare vell), vat good dey do in ze towns I not know." "I was not aware before that you skated to such perfection, my friend; it was, therefore, a fine frost for you, Baron."

"Confoun ze frost-my huntairs not skate; but you not know half ze elegance of ze skate until you come to ze Bois à Paris, vare ze Emperor and Empress set ze fashion, and join wiz all ze beauty of ze Court and le beau monde, and show to you dat zes can handel zeir feet wiz ze quickness and grace of a Cerito, and wizout ze fear of being knock down by ze can of des brandy-ball and des pommes de terre, all hot. Here it is too much pell-mell."

"That was a most terrible calamity," I ventured to add, "in the Regent's Park-was it not?"

"Ah! bah!—ze calamity!-ze calamity! You make ze melancholy face at it, and skate away more dan evare on de very same vatare close by. You are ze most inconsistent nation in ze world; you cry wiz one eye, and wink yourself blind at your follies wiz de odare. It nevare happen if you have des inspectors, who try ze ice for Government; but you have no one to look aftare your people, who do as zey like and so it vill hap-pen and hap-pen, again and again, and your vould-be clevare fellows may write and propose des remedie, and get ze credit of being laugh at. But it vas fine episode Ze Man wid ze Pipe.' I vatch him all de vile. He fall half in ze vatare and half on ze ice-ze pipe-end of him out. Vell, he hold tight as grim Death to de block, wid his arms around it, but he not let go ze pipe, vich at ze first go-off he go on to smoke, and say noting. Presently ze fear put out ze pipe, and he let go wiz one hand and wiz de odare take away ze pipe. Once ze pipe

Y

out, ze courage out and ze nerve out-it vas all clean out-and he shout, pauvre diable, for ze help. Several do vat zey could to trow at him des ropes, or anyting, and rush to him, but could not reach to him. All ze vile he cry for mercy. At last, zough he deny it now, but many of ze bystandairs tink he certainment offair £50 for any vun vill save him.' A young man pull off de coat, and dash to him at de risk of his life, and-bravo!-he bring him in vid him: it vas beautiful to look at. But 'ze man wiz de pipe' end in smoke; dare vos no £50, only vun miserable louis d'or, vich some gentlemens, proud of deir 'man wid ze pipe,' put anozair to. I tink him dear at ze vun pound--ha! ha! ha! How he stick to ze pipe zough! for he light him and be off toute suite. Vell, I vish Monsr. Matthew bettaire customer for his pluck, and hope your autoritays vill be more prepared for ze next 'sensation eizare under or ovare ze ice."

Come, come-hang it, Baron, we are not worse than you," I sharply replied. "We don't lock up our life-boats, and lose the keys, or keep them too far up the beach to be launched in the hour of need. What do you think of your mismanagement at Calais the other day? Come, I've got you now."

"I tink dose who vas to blame bettaire nevare been born. I bow to you dis time, dare vas someting vare wrong; but your countrymen prove demselves ze true sons of Neptune, viz de hearts of ze British Lion. Zes vill have deir reward from ze hand of ze Emperor himself. He love les braves."

"Well, that is a fine way of settling it, Baron, certainly; but lifeboats become death-boats when badly managed, or hurry and confusion take the place of coolness and order-and then there is no telling the consequences. When we last parted, you said you were going to the Birmingham and Islington Shows-did you?"

"Oui, mon cher! I go all zat vay to ze dog show to see ze same dogs I have seen before, I don't know how many time, and des or deir relations win all ze prizes again-like ze 'forgone conclusion.' Much as I love ze dog, I vould not go to dat gun-barrel and tea-pot town no more to see dem. Such exhibition noting widout ze highest patronage and ze presence of ze aristocrats (of vitch dare vos but few of dem); dare vos too many pug-nose visage for ze peace of mind and ease. My sheef object in going yas to bring avay some of de best blood of des pointairs and settares, vich in a few year yill be des curiosity of des kennels, and ze ornament and companion of man; for ze old style of shooting is gone out, and ze old style of dog is going wiz it. Driving and hunting ze birds is now de rage, and so ze spaniel and retriever vill soon be all dat you require for de gun. One ting I have observe of late, dat zes prize dogs, however beautiful to look at, often fail in ze field. I have try several dat are eizare too high-bred, or badly broken from zeir delicacy of constitution and tempare, and I have often found many goot old countryman's dog far surpass dem at work for staunchness, steadiness, endurance, and nose. Les toy dogs vas vare perfec, and I buy a King Sharles's for Madme. la Baronne-vich, by-ze-bye, put into my mind to tell you a goot story of vat vunce hap-pen to me some year ago, ven buying a lap-dog for a lady :-Ven Monsr. Isaac, ze celebre dog-dealair and fancier, vas alive, and live to Princes-street, Leicester-square, I go dare viz a friend, and request him to get me two

King Sharles's spaniel of ze vare best quality, quite ze tip-top, viz all des points possible. He say, 'I vill bring dem down to you in a few day.' Vell, he come, and I buy zem; I give more dan vun hundred pound for zem ; des vas perfection. I tell him to take dem home vid him till I go to Paris (vich vas to be de veek aftare); he do so, and I pay for zem. He vas great man in his vay vas Monsr. Isaac: I somehow like dat man bettare zan any of ze calling I evair see; he vas vare honest man. In passing his shop soon aftare vid my friend, he ask me to show to him les petits chiens, and we go in. Isaac vas at home, and he say to us, Walk up-stair, milors,' and we follow him. He vas big, stout, burly man, and he vare cross to ze leetel dogs-he swear and stamp at zem; so ven he open ze door of de room vhere des vas, zes all rush to hide under ze legs of his big chair in ze cornare dare vas two or tree odare dog beside mine. Down he sit, and reaching vid his arm, he take up vun of my pet, and put him on ze table, and ve all admire him, and love him at vonce, and talk in his praise. Next he try to catch ze odare vun, but he fail, he vas too shy; so at last he seize him by ze tail, and, just ven he lift him mid-air, it come off in his hand, and ze dog fall to ze ground! Oh! mon Dieu! if you have but seen de lot of us: ve stare, ve frighten, ve jump back, and den I exclaim, Monsr. Isaac, Monsr. Isaac, vous êtes un voleur!' 'No, I'm dd if I am,' roared ze Jew; so help mine Got, I've been done. This yere tail (holding it up in astonishment) I knows nuffing about— dat not my tail!' and, rushing to ze door, he shouted, Rebecca! Rebecca! run up-for heaven's sake come at vonce-here's Prince's flag off, and ve're all stunned.' Up she came quick as de lightning (and a nice, portly dame she vas, too); but ven she saw ze tail in de hand of her husbands, and examine it, and look into it, she change all sort of colour, and say, 'Vell, Isaacs, you have bought me a pup dis time, and no mistake." She den look terrible full, and swear she would have her revenge. Ze fact is dat dey vas bose taken in: ze dog vas all vun beautiful dog, excep ze tail, vich vas ze stump or rat's tail, vizout any hair on it; so de man vot sell him to des Jews, and who vas a tailleur, make him vun capital artificial and curly vun, and lace it, and sow it, and stick it on, so as no vun could tell for long time to come vether he vas ze real ting or no, he vas so stiff. Howevare, Isaac behave très honorable, and return to me my money, toute suite, vowing vengeance on ze snip.'

"I should like to have seen you all; you must have formed a spirited tableau. And now, Baron, whilst they bring another bottle, tell me how you liked the fat cattle show."

"Oh, per example! I have not much to tell you about dat, because, like ze dogs, dey vas ze same ting ovare again-ze same beast as ze year before, every vun of zem. I could have swear to zem. Upon my soul, I see no difference in zem, and it could not even be tell in ze taste ven roast, for I try zem both. Every ting else vas ze same-ze same noblemen and gentlemen, ze same ladies, ze farmairs, ze butchairs, ze shepherds, ze graziers, ze drovairs, ze mob, and ze snob, and I dare say ze same pickpocket, only I not so flat as on my first visit; I leave all my vatch and pin on ze piano dis time. Ze only ting I remark vas les cochons, ze fat pig, les perspiring lard vivant; he vas vorse and vorse. I not know vich vas his head or his tail end. I put my stick undare ze pen

zem say,

to make him stir up, ven a man vhispare in my ear, 'He's as dead as a button.' I look round, and see a respectable old gentleman in black, so I say, 'Pardon, sare! are you good judge of ze pig?' 'He answer, 'No, I bean't, but I knows one as be.' And I ask him 'Who dat vas?' To which he reply, Lawyer Varrane, vhere I coom from; and I'll tell you how I coom to know it-and pay for it. I had a pig as we thought were good enough for this yere show. Me and my neighbours disagree about his points. Well, just zen we see Lawyer Varrane coming by on horseback (and he be celebrated for ze pigs), so vun of "Go and ask Lawyer Varrane to decide;" vich I did, and he get off ze horse, and come and look at him, and say he vould not do; but ze next day he send me in dis memorandum ::- "Attending you on judgment of pig, 13s. 4d." Dere vas anozair Daniel-eh ? Mon dieu!' I exclaim, 'it vas sharp.' 'Ah! but I met a sharper ze next day, for at ze farmairs' dinner I set by de side of Lawyer Dod (nıy lawyer), and before I leave I pulls out ze account of Mons. Varrane and show to him, and I say, "Ought I to pay such a ting as dat?" He look at it vell ovare, and put on zes spectacles: aftare a minute or two he look up, vare serious, and say, "Yes, certainly; you had bettare." Vell, I put it back in my pocket, and vas off, but he say directly," Here, you must first give me six-and-eightpence for my advice!" Dere vas vun pound off my pork in two cut for ze two judge. So just you mind, Mossoo, when you axes for an opinion on a pig it bean't of a lawyer!" "Bravo! Baron. I must own that they are two good stories; but I will tell you a better one about a lawyer and a dog, that will show you they are a devilish difficult lot to get the best of. They have no blind side.-A large retriever dog, the property of a lawyer at Chichester, snapped up a leg of mutton from a butcher's shop, and got clean off with it. Mr. Adames, the butcher (a knowing chap), seeing whose dog it was, made out a bill for the joint, and quietly awaited the passing-by of the lawyer, which generally happened at least once every day. The unsuspecting lawyer was shortly seen quietly approaching, when the wide-awake butcher, stepping up to him, thus addressed him, 'I want you, if you please, sir, to tell me if a man's dog steals a leg of mutton off my block, and I knows whose dog it was as did it, if I can make the owner pay for it, or summons him?' 'Certainly you can, Mr. Adames, if you have witnesses to prove it.' 'Oh, I have plenty of them,' replied the butcher, and at the same time produced his little account for the mutton, made out in the lawyer's own name, for five shillings and elevenpence, and handed it to him with a sly glance. The bill was not exactly well received, it was doubtful if it would pass; but, on being read a second time, a gleam of victory lighted up the features of the limb of the law, and he answered smilingly, 'Quite right, Mr. Adames-quite right; but as my fee for advice is six shillings and eightpence, if you give me ninepence we shall be quits.' The butcher was made chops of, but shelled out the coppers for fear of further fees." "Vell! it vos tremendous," cried the Baron; "mais almos beyond de joke. And now, mon amis ! let us go somevare-some rendezvous of fun or vat is call de 'Fancy.' Take me somevare fresh to me-not too public."

"Come, then, my dear De Bonchose, and I will at once introduce you to the AMEN CLUB."--A. H. B. Southampton